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doubeleive's Journal

6 December
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Let's see to begin with I was raised by drug smugglers along the pacific northwest corridor so from the get-go I had a bad start. I went to 7 different schools in California, Oregon and Washington, I have lived in the Big City and I have lived in the backwoods 50 miles away from the nearest gas station and some places in between. My experiences in life have been somewhat unique for example when I was maybe 5 years old my parents were having hash parties with there friends, there was always a tray of weed under the edge of the couch that could be rolled up anytime, bindles of cocaine at hand, rolls of cash....every one that came to visit, friends or who ever even members of the family got high in one fashion or another, I remember huge parties with rock bands and vans full of keggers, cars parked for a literal mile down both the sides of the road, people passed out in the bushes the next morning, empty cups and bottles strewn about. Never really much violence every one was high and mellow...that's how it was until about the summer before the 5th grade I was away visiting my grandparents when my mother called and said my father had been shot by thieves who were breaking into the guest house, they were of course looking for something and the cops found it the next day while investigating (a house full of pounds of weed), my father had been shot once in each lung and my mother found him the next morning on the porch of the guest house, she had been hiding in the house all-night after hearing the gun shots scared to death to come out, luckily he survived but then became the subject of one of the largest drug bust's in Oregon state history this was in the late 70's, he was punished to 6 years in the Oregon state penitentiary in Salem and another 10 years of parole after that, this was when my life changed and I had already experimented with drugs of course they were all around me and it seems like the natural thing to do when you have experienced something your entire life even knowing it was illegal I was never taught moderation which everyone else seemed to have and I took it to a whole different level. Years later and after a few futile attempts at stopping It wasn't until I was 26 that I finally had decided that I really needed to learn how to live my life without drugs totally and completely, this of course was something I had to learn from scratch and I needed help, I found it in NA and a live in program and then in a halfway house. I got my head straight and was pointed in the right direction this was the best thing that had ever happened to me you know it had just came to a point to where I said to myself "what have I got to lose" and the answer was nothing I had already lost it all several times over, family, girlfriends, friends, cars, belongings, some of the most precious things in life, all gone. Since then my life has done nothing but get better and better every day and it hasn't stopped, yes there are ups and downs this is life after all and I am not perfect at it but I am trying to usually do the right thing, my morals are probably f'ed up for the rest of my life but I don't blatantly display it on the street corner like some psycho, I do the best I can with what I have been given sometimes my mind seems as sharp as a tack and other times just dull and nullified to the world around me, I have 2 children, a son and a daughter, my daughter is a sweetheart but a little on the dingy side and my son is severe Bipolar and ADHD and requires medication which only helps a little I love them both and "deal with it" as best I can. I like to think of myself as "good people" as you might refer to someone you know to someone who doesn't know them, I don't really have any bad habits or anything weird to deal with I do have a habit of driving really fast I should have been in Nascar or maybe even a Grand pre driver I think I would have done well. I am competitive and will always push to be faster or as fast as anyone else no matter what I always persevere. I currently work for myself, well for the last 11 years anyway and life is OK I get by the bills are paid and I get to have a little fun every once in a while.....